Welcome Lillian K., today's Welcome Mama contributor.
Infertility is frustrating, draining, distracting, hopeful, depressing and a somewhat haunting. In a word, it's exhausting. It takes something beautiful, fun and intimate and turns it into a scheduled chore, one that creates a roller coaster for the heart and hopes. Every month leaving a bigger hollow, filled with failure, fear and desire for the unknown, the unfelt. I spent the first five years of my life with my husband trying not to get pregnant and the next seven trying and failing, to change that
I had miscarried twice in my late teens and had actually thanked God for that, because I wasn't ready to be a parent and the man was not the One. I had to wonder then, if my body simply couldn't grow a baby. I sometimes raged or cried, that I could make anything better, anything grow, except my family unit, except a baby. Misery led to anger. Women get pregnant every day unintentionally, whether it's welcome or not. Drug addicts can do it, Grandma's do it, teens can do it but somehow, for some confounded, confusing reason, I couldn't. Here I was, lucky enough to be married to my best friend, a perfect partner, yet our dream of creating a family seemed unattainable. I gave up sometimes, just to not feel the pressure and to let myself just be happy with me, with us and life as it is. Then I'd let hope slowly, quietly grow again.
Eventually people stopped asking us when we're having kids. The avoidance of the subject brought both relief and sorrow.
The common theory as to why so many women these days are having fertility issues is because we are bombarded with chemicals. Our body products, lotions, medications, food, cleaning supplies, air fresheners, car exhaust, etc. Everywhere we go we are surrounded by chemicals and toxins. This actually makes the egg walls harder, so it is harder for them to be fertilized. Changing our cleaning supplies and body products to natural ones, using organic, simple ingredients as often as possible and avoiding toxins is healthy for everyone. We did that.
My husband brought home info about how alcohol also adversely affects fertility. I made sure not to drink more than 4 drinks a week (Love my delicious red wine.)
After loads of research, conversation and blood work to be sure we were healthy, we had decided to try to increase fertility naturally, and try again. I drank the tea. Red raspberry leaf and nettle tea, to be exact. We bought a new basal thermometer. We both took folic acid, zinc and Coq 10. My husband stopped doing his riding sports for a few weeks a month, to stay cool. I got massage, to relax. We had fun and just enjoyed our love for each other. The quiet hope was strong again but we were approaching procreation this time as a delightful way to just love each other, whatever happened or didn't happen. No rush, no pressure, no fear.
Then, one busy Monday after work I poured a glass of wine for when my chores were done. I ran around putting groceries away, prepped dinner, took care of pets and laundry, cleaned the bathroom and then I saw it. There were two. Two pink lines. After hundreds of single little lines, there were TWO! I stood in shock for a moment. I went outside to sip my wine and absorb this massive yet tiny, unbelievable but unmistakable occurrence. I felt the breeze on my face, looked down at my two hands, poured the wine down on the ground, held the stick up in the air and smiled, hugely. The whole world changed that day.
Hi. I'm Lindsay. Daughter, sister, wife, mother and collector of useless (and useful) information.